I’m sad I can’t trust

I understand a bit about life. I understand that the world as I know it, runs pretty much on the concepts of buying and selling. Hopefully buy low – sell high. I understand the ideas of population growth, and that more people are buying things today than in the early days, mainly because there are more people.

The market grows and more products get invented.

Of course, it just makes sense that new inventions can’t keep up with the demand for new. This means that a lot of new things are not really new. Competition is a necessary part of today’s product market. It means there are a lot of products that are similar, or sometimes identical.

I also understand that classes exist. The rich, like to feel rich, and so inferior products must exist at lower prices, even if the actual costs to manufacture are the same. Some products are made crappy on purpose, just to give the upper class the right to superiority.

I understand that one of the great inventions to help the whole concept was built-in obsolesce/ Products that are designed to fail, simply so they can stay in business. No products are bought only once.

I understand that crime continues to exist, not only because it provides needed jobs on both sides of the law, but also because theft is a great reason to replace, and help maintain sales.

I understand these things.

I’m just sad that these trends are crushing the trust of our society, and that seems like a pretty major blow to the so-called American dream and way of life.

The truth is, marketing to make sales has crossed a line, and I fear it may be to late to turn back. Our children will grow up without trust. When a man on TV tells us something, we won’t believe him. I already don’t.

He’ll say I need something. This is the best product. He’ll tell me features.

I’ll know inside, it’s fake. I’m sad about that.

When I read my email, I read stock tips. I know not to pay attention to them. I read messages that tell me I have won a trip. I know not to reply. I see banner ads that congratulate me for being the 15,000the visitor, and I don’t click.

I see the words FREE, and they don’t have asterisks. I yawn, and move on, not even curious what I am missing because I have learned free means I have to pay something in today’s lingo.

I am sad. I think sometimes; “what if I am missing a legit contest”, but the thought passes. I know there are no legitimate Internet contests anymore. No legitimate FREE. I didn’t win any trips, and no Nigerians willing to pay me $500,000 to help them transfer estate funds.

I must admit to not needing them, but I am fairly sure I probably can’t even trust the ads for cheap Canadian medications to help me stay hard and please my women.

I’m having some difficulty figuring out where to draw my line of trust. I still trust the faceless masses on EBay, but I’ve heard stories that trust is being taken over by evil there too. I get at least 2 or 3 PayPal or EBay messages every day spoofing a fake address asking me to send my password. Even my own bank has told me to disbelieve any email they send me.

EMail has almost totally been destroyed. I’m not sure my mother’s letters are really from her.

If she asks me for my transit numbers, I’ll know for sure.

The most dangerous thing I can do with my credit cards is actually use them in a store. The rate of that type of fraud has passed Internet fraud, which I find scary, and a little ironic for all those people who thought that trust was an online issue only.

Sadly, it goes beyond. We can’t trust the news either. Photos are redrawn and we only hear about the celebrity head swaps or airbrished pimples occasionally, but the loss of trust in me knows it’s happening everywhere else too. War photos are fictional, and news reports are made up. News is being reported without fact checks, and bloggers are winning respect.

News became entertainment years ago, but the competition has made it ugly.

In my life, I’ve always tried to do the right thing. Be fair, honest, and somebody my mother is proud to show off to her friends. I believe that inside care, about what my mother thinks keeps me on this side of evil. I sincerely like trust, and want to do well for the people I interact with.

If I didn’t have that feeling, I think I might be one of them. The people who feel the money they win, or earn is more important than trust, or truth, or laws. Success isn’t based on anything but cash. You buy my product or service, even if it means you get a rash.

They don’t care. They can’t.

I’m sad.

I can’t trust them. And because of this, I can’t trust anybody else.

Is it me?

An Example

Hello. If you’re just joining us, my name is Jeff, and this is my life, in real time, when I’m in a writing mood.

I still have not started TV. I’ve been mentally debating whether I am ready to let this page and series be seen, or whether it goes in the SAVE bin with all the others.

101 First Drafts.
I don’t like it as much as Chapter 1s as a title, but it’s closer to the realityy.

My life may work like BOOK! You can start anywhere and I’ll have a new theory or discovery about who I am, in the universe.

It’s been fun. Sharing is scary, like the first time you show off or perform in front of an audience.

In my youth, as far back as grades 4 or 5, I was in theatre. My mother founded the little theatre in the town, and I believe it is one of Canada’s most successful, despite several “start over” fire disatsers. I’ve never spent time scenarioing out the foul play angels. I’d rather not take on that priority to worry about.

I was in every school play till grade 11 and in at least two out of school theatre products with the little theatre. I have a photo of me, in blackface playing Buckweat … no… playing the black guy in Tom Sawyer I think.

I’m saying that in my debet series tonight. I can only sumise there were not very many blacks in my home twon.

There still aren’t.

In grade 13, I switched from on stage to back stage and never performed again.

Back stage was just as much fun, the rehersals were the enjoyable part of theatre for me. The performance was horrid, filled with all the emotions I do my best to avoid in life.


I grew into hating it as I aged I guess.

I’m just mnaking the connectiuon live as I type this. It’s kind of how it goes.

I wish I remembered more. I wasn’t popular, but I was a leader among mny friends, and the decisoion maker. Wow. That memory just comes back to mme now and then and I reevaluate how different that time was for me.

I was a strong part of a mafia-like teenager fantasy control of an entire room in the library. The seminar room was where we gathered at every break.

That was a good memory. I cherish when they pop up, because I now explain my memory issues. I’m still trying to fihure it out, but I definalty have issues with not being able to remember my past. I can remember stories, but not emotion, and a huge chunk of my past is gone.

If others make me react, I can remember. I seem to have a great visual memory on demand, but no personal access to the file system. My memories too, need to react.

I can’t work their retrielval alone.

Whether it is true or just a part of crazy, does not matter, in that the effect is the same either way. I am trying to identify all my issues and work to find a way.

This blog is one in many different ways to start, without starting. To find the right person who can manage my reactions into a project, through to completion.

I am scared at what could be. I feel like William Hung didn’t. I have suspicions that I am my own William Hung, and that this entire series is laughable, not interesting.

But Andy Dick just tries to hard, and he’s doing pretty well.

Crazy isn’t a negative like it used to be.

Crazy is an inticing liefstlyle choice.

As I mentioned briefky,m I believe some men fake gay, I also believge some people may fake crazy. If I could manage it, I’d lay in bed and ….

No, I take that back. I’m no Homer.

I’m Harry. Please to meet you. John Jeffrey Harry Goebel.

My story… John was my father, but I didn’t want JJ or Jr, so I’ve always been Jeff. Harry was my mother’s father.

End of part whatever. It’s only 4:40 but it’s dark enough for lights.


The Mood’s Routine

It’s 3:37 on a Saturday.

I get in a writing mood, and start this blog.

Eventually, I lose the mood. The first break.

The moment NEW BECOMES OLD, and the excietment has passed into obcession about how I did. My rife is being reviewed for content in my idle time.

I tend to crush excitement wherever I go. Admitting it may be half the battle, but change of personality is hard. It is especially hard when I have only a minimum of human contact.

I eat out every day, at least my lunch. My taste is narrow, and has been all my life. My mother seems to attribute it to one story I have memorized, where I was playing father in a typical fun family scene. I had a child wooden hammer in my mouth like a pipe.

Comedians today like to pick on the lawn darts or the wood buring set as prime targets, but for my money, a hammer as a kids toy wins some awards.

My play-wife was on a swing set and kicked the pipe, down my throat.


The story goes that I was close to losing speach, and may actually have for some time. But then she says, we were told to let him eat what he wants…

and he’s been finicky ever since.

I’m not sure I agree with that as my turning point, but I have always enjoyed some foods, and decided when ordering, why would I risk hating somethbning, when I can order a cheeseburger.

It is an issue I am working on, now that I spotted it and named it.

I do not risk new, if I am happy with the current.

I don’t make that decisoin. I can’t.

I can sho like crazy if it’s in reaction to a failure, or even a weak excuse.

Shopping theoray is always good. Shoping keeps me in middle class.

I buy brand names and shop at Loblaws. I look are care about only a handful of silly items, like the $4.50 Havarti instead of the $5.35 and everything else just goes with the one I want.

And I want brand names.

I have a theory, which some may call post decision justiication… I lost a better line in a blip.

Ah. My theory


Products that are made for the poor market, and designed to be inferior. Classes not only shop to stay in their class, but they can spot your shoes and place you, if it matters.

The rich can place your level by your shoes. $3000 shoes or $500 or $100 or $9.95 or free.

And we can spoit last years $3000 which are like frees this year.

I have had limited experience to the different classes of shoes. I have two clients who’s elevator opens to their livingroom. Nice people, and I never felt classed. That is more in my mind.

I admire the rich. They were as smart as me, but with the ACT skill, not the REACT skill. They get things done. You can rely on that kind of person, in bothe legitimate, and underground societies.

We can only imagine what the real rich are doing behind our backs.

Imainge how much we can do to make ourself feel superior to the classes below us.

We need the low self esteme reactors to do our jobs. They;re excellent at anything that can be started and finished in one sitting, or step by step if they have somebidy to constantly refresh the reactyion momentum.

SOmebody who keeps NEW from becominmg OLD

Somethinmg to get us back on track after THE END OF PART 1

Withoyut a guide, or a handler, my mind can be distracted at any given moment, and without somebody there to bring me back, I could float away into the space like an untehered austranaut.

And when they walk away, I turn off.

I can come up with the idea. In fact, I have – many times. I come up with ideas for web site business or companies all the time… or at least everytime I’m “in a writing mood”.

IDEA: I wonder if this wouldn’t be a cool feature for tyhe head shop I am currentlky webmastering. It’s my very first customer – store owner relatsiosnhip I’ve ever had, where I was the customer. I enjoyed many close friendships with great people, all making greats stories and additions to the memories I retell over and over.

My stories.

I have been thinking of my ideas, helping a store gather attention. Fame is better if you can help more than one person with it.

If fame brings happiness and/or weatht with a welcome life change, then I believe it is a good thing., and if you can make someboldy else rich, maybe they’ll pay me some.

Or give me a vapourizer.

I mean humidiyer Mom.

Step two, in what I’ve titled the Mood’s Routine is usually to stop writing, re emphasise my mood, and …


I want to introduce an akroymn to use for pleasuriong myself, s that it doesn’t read as sexually interesting to you… but if we are bneing honest with – I was going to say each other, and I thinki I will.

Honest with each other, except I don’t really want to hear your crap right now. This is about me.

snicker. laugh. Sarcastic humour allows me to get away with that kind of side humour when it’s spoken more than in print.

I’m learning what works. I have to stay fresh.

You – Oh blog commenter or lurker are my inspiration. I want to nbelieve that when my mood passes, I won’t regret or desire to discontinue.

Lets not think about that now.

A zeppelin, if you’re a fan.

So ask me stuff.

Ok… let me make it even more interactive. If you are willing to take on a project with me, no charge, and basically just keep intearacting with me about what I want to do, and doing it… I may have a job for you.


I am plyable Jeff as of this moment. An idea we’ll beta test. Like a game.

I have a budget and a business, real time.

If you help pay my bills, you can RUN ME LIKE A GAME PLAYER in real life.

My obsticles will be real, and it’ll be your job to make one single idea of mine, and take it to completion.

You can buy into the game but the more players, the thinner my time wil be sliced.

Oh! The Appentice all takle a project of mine and run with it, with me as the Hugh Hefner style figurehead owner that sets the rules of NO EVIL and nothing that didn’t personally make me smile.

Noboldy appreciates that Frogstar.com is just me, adding stuff that I think I can get away with, that made me smile.

I didn’t follow any rules, but I kept adding stuff that made me smile.

Less and less each year because NEW turned to OLD and my time was needed with my life.

It’s costing me a small fortune and my company exists primarily so the hobby site is paid for.

I run no ads, after a Google trial for a month this year. To many ads were for sites I wouild not personally endorse, so I stopped the ads. The reveune was about $130 a month, but I ran oinly one banner ad.. the least offencive way possible.

The truth was, a huge percentage of companys in google ads are evil, or bordering. At the very least, most tell lies.

I believed that Frogstar is worth more as a brand with a person of honour, than as a small company making money.

I’m holding out till I figure out a way to put my genious to profit. Partnering with the “get it done” people… but the first step is the killer, as the saying goes.

(Lightbulb) That just made sense for the first time. Metaphorically, the first step is almost always the hardest.

Criminals seem to only have to get over the first step once, and the rest seem easier. The good side often striggles with every first step.

I don’t take first steps, unless I can figure out a way to change the world in front of me, to make me react.

It’s a slow process, over 10 years of writing alone, once in a while.

Snapping back to the topic of origin like a rubber band, I usually write for a while, PMS (stands for pelasure myself from here on ot)

I write, I PMS, I watch an hour or so of TV. I own a PVR (but more on that later) Ahh! I like that re-coccuring theme.

Ok, the PMS joke is stale. MB will suffice.

Later in the mellower parts of my mood swing, I have taken up the enjoyment of recreational hypnosis. It’s a wild undergrund ofshoot of phonbe sex for people like me, who don’t want phone sex because I have no memory to associate with.

I have MP3’s that make me happy, when I’m in a writing mood.

SEE OTHER BLOG: The Relese theory… or similarly named.

It is now time for TV. Tonight I have chosen GHOST WHISPERER, which is back with a new episode aftetr being off for 2 or 3 weeks.

It is my “mood show”… Part of the rituial.

Jennifer Love Hugetits is offencive, but not mine. I merely quote it because honestly compells me to admit she is one I like.

I am changed by a smile.

Smiles are my “it”. I melt when a good one commands me.

If you become my priority, I will dedicate my life to earning that smile.

I so much want to try a relastionship with somebnody who I really liked, facially. A smile that changes me, every time. A face I am proud to claim worthy of.

But ion a way that doesn’t sound so creepy.


Before I go, the summary of what I was trying to say is;

Mood ON
Hypnosis MP3
(I can’t afford an adiction. All the fun stuff is in slavery and it doesn’t work for me.)

It is now time for TV… Lets see how long I can hold out.

Part II… but it’ll be before

If I understanbd the way blogs traditionally work, new people will be reading this entry first, and then the first one second. My style of writing is going to be backwards.

I feel like the season opener of LOST. They know they really want new viewers, but they’ve got a lot to catch up on before the opening credits.

Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe every new blog is a Chapter 1 after all.

My first BOOK, called BOOK, a No Name Generic Product (available on CafePress) had the distinction of being designed to be read start to finish, back to front, or from the middle both ways. Each page was a anicdote or monologe on it’s own, like the stand alone episodes of Star Trek. None made reference to another. But the story of my life shouldn’t be random access, should it?

Maybe that is what makes it speciual. It is random access. It’s thoughts and ideas written down as I think them, and they don’t really have an order. People who like the style will read more.

I promise that each entry will contain a few T SHIRT ideas, concepts, and a bit about who I am.

Since I have learned I best exist in the world when I reacting, and if possible, assisting, the better.

My business does not promote, or expand. It only reacts.

In the long run, I’d love to seek help from the masses. Maybe find a partner, bsuinss or social, and change my life. But all I seem to be able to do is write the ideas.

If you can make me react, we could have a future together.

Mayb e I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to have to fight off fraud. It is the one thing in life I fear most… being made fool of by fraud. I want to believge I am above that.

But I see it evfertywhere, and in a comic book villan kind of admiration, I can’t say I don’t repsect the level of evil that exists in today’s society.

Crime is however, a major employer, so it must exist.

If you think they’re holding back the cure of cancer because of tyhe job loss, think for a moment that they’re keeping crime on purpose.

The cat and mouse of crime vs crim solving is big business.

And so is war, but that’s for another essay.

You’re starting to see. When I am alone, in a writing mood, my mind goes all over the map, just as if we were having a conversation.

When you’re alone in a room, conversation is often confused with crazy.

Comspiuracy theories are just called conversation when you’re not alone.

I have opinions, well thought out in writings on lots of things.

Ask me a question.



I should have a disclaimed on the blog about the T SHIRTS so you don’t hbave to read Blog 1 every time.

My T SHIRT SLOGANS are copyright Frogstar, but free to use with credit or a link or a photo.

My scripts and monologues are free to use in any form, with crediut and a link and an email after the fact.

My business ideas are mine. Contact me if you want to run with one.

I probably won’t use if they’re stolen, but I’d love credit anyway.

T SHirts

I don’t want the kind of fame
that doesn’t come with respect


Honesty: I ahve not had my first break yet. This was all continouis. I tried to stop, but couldn’t I am forcing myslf to stop now.

End of Part 1

MORE ON THAT LATER… The first public one.

I’ve already lost my nerve.

Right up until the page to edit or create my blog appeared, I was excited. My mind was aflood with the possibility of success, and just the right touch of fame.

I don’t want to be famous.
I just want a few fans.

That’s my first T-Shirt mention. As we grow together, you’ll get to know me, and either hate these blogs, or love them. I see no reason why I can’t have a few fans. I am smart, but not all that knowledgable. I like to believe I have some unique wisdoms on the world, worthy of sharing.

But I can’t decide how to do it. How to take the writings I’ve been creating in secret for years and years, and benefit in some way. I am one of those people who has tasted the joys of income without work, but in a successful business, rather than frivious lawsuit. But I’m Canadian, and we either don’t “go for” that type of lifestyle as much as we are led to believe the Americans do. It may be true, or it may just be part of the package that is Canada.

If it is obvious how individual news teams favor stories, I wouldn’t expect any less from a Government. I am proud to be Canadian, and half again as proud that I am not AMerican.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Pride always wins.

Pride is part of the list of Government duties we never think about.

I believe that job creation and stabliazation is the most important job any government tries to regulate, than any… and we don’t think about it.

I believe, in an odd unsure way, that the only reason computers are still hard, and fail, is because somebody knew… computers would illimiate a million jobs or more, and unless there was something to repl;ace it with, the copuntry was doomed.

Computers are hard and break and crash, and viruses and spyware anmd everything, creates more jobs than it replaced. Computer support and programming and sales keeps the cpountry employed, when the factories and accountants use computers – that don’t work.

My living is made by the fact that computers are hard. I happen to be pretty good with them, so I dedicated my life in the direction of problem solving and trouble shooting in a nice way, that people seem to like.


T Shirt #2.

So here is my deal. Every once in a while, I get in a mood, and write. I write as I think, and I transcribe the flow of ideas.

Some would refer to it as rambling, but at all times I atempt to maintain a readable format, and alomsitr conversational style. I would like to believe we can work out some of my problems together. Me, and a stranger who leaves a comment.


I except to see my share of “you suck” messages, or “you’re a fag”, which I’ll say now, I am not.

People think I am. I have a pretty good feeling that a few of my close friends or aquantences may not think I’m gay, but if I ever admitted I was, they’d be the ones saying they knew it all along.

I toyed with the concept over several long self discovery nights, because despite not being gay, I also don’t seem to have enough of the hetro team to crave sex. The drive.

At least, I didn’t. I didn’t date in school. I didn’t date after school. I didn’t date till my late 20’s.

Let me re-define the above statement. When I say I didn’t date, I in fact mean… I didn’t really pay attention to girls, or even women at all. No dates, No kisses, No first base. Maybe first base is kissing – I wouldn’t know.

I grew up believing there was a third category between gay and hetro that included me. I could be friends with you, but I didn’t think about dating, or sex.

It came later, but I lead a full active life of stories that I will share over the next few blogs. I am excited again about the possibilities.

Let me now explain that this is by no means my first attempt. I have been writing for years, and at least a third of them are written to be the FIRST letter the public sees.

Book Title Idea: Jeff Goebel; 101 Chapter Ones.

I don’t finish things. When the exciotement of NEW weins, or is distracted, I lose the moment, and the momentum is lost.

Let me explain my biggest theory…

Knock Knock

That was a well timed interuption. A knock on the door from the people who live with me.

Following the accidental segue (sic – say segway) into that topic, I’m a 43 year old mail that is a little different, inside, but pass as normal outside.

It takes a lot of mental effort sometimes.

I have so mucg to tell you, and so many theories to share, but I want to do it slow, maintaining a mystery like the next episode of LOST, or HEROES… both Pop culture hits in the year 2006. I watch and enjoy them both, and future versions of this blog may contain reviews or comments about those shows or others.

If I decide to include all my writings in this live real tiem auto-biography experiment, then I’ll have quite a few rants abot TV.

I do watch a lot of TV, and it’s middle of the road quality. I enjoyed the West Wing, and enjoyed the topic, and enjoyed a little bit, that I knew a whole lot of people just couldn’t watch it. I’m glad to be on the side that can handle it.

And yet, there are shows above me, so I know my place.

In fact, middle is my middle name. Normal, invisible, middle.

I shop, mainly to stay in nmiddle class. I live in plush accomodations when I can, and drive a new car every three years. I was affording $1500 a montgh plush… not crazy. My car is a Honda Civic, but always the Si Version.

I know I care way to much what other people think, and I strive to be non offencive in my public image. All my clothes are one colour basic jeans and a polo shirt. That’s a T shirt with a colar, but somehow not a t shirt.

Idea: Why not make Polo shirts with all the slogans.
Slogan: Like Laureal, I’m worth the colar.

Other Idea… Hmmmm. I have not given myself the trust to expose all my business ideas in this blog. Not yet.

The truth is, in writings previous to this, I do occasionally go off on a tangent and list a new T Shirt slogan, a book or chapter title, a new discovery of my brain, or society, or an invention.

However, I also have a habbit of coming up with feasbale business ideas in the middle of thought, and I used to include them too. In my book, you’ll be able to see them all.

I am self employed, and a moderate sucess, in that I have been able to afford a middle class gadget loving, often early adopting lifestyle, like the one I remember from child hood.

We had the first Beta 1 hour VCR, the first microwave, the first coffe maker. I remember when my dad bought a $99 stud finder, or brought home a Commodore small hand-held calculator. My memory recals it was $700, but I don’t think that can be right.

I spend a lot of thought, when in a writing mood, on who I am, and how much is brain type, and how much is evniornment, and how much is because of my chemical balance that makes me have low self esteme, A.D.D and a slight compulsion issue.

I am me, and I have been enjoying discovering what that means over the past few years. It’s all come out in writings you may never see, but I am excoted about telling it all over again, in public.

It’s a risk, but when I think twice, I can’t figure out what the risk is.

I’ll start off by saying; I believe that brain types, or chanical balances are not imbalances. I believe humanity survives because we have different species of human, just like other animals. I don’t want to compare humans to dogs in print, because with my luck, that’ll be the tag line reprinted in my first media exposure.

I just mean, I believe diferent brain types exist, and serve different needs. Like everything else in nature, it is hard to know which came first with cause and efect, but overall – earth is doing pretty well.

Human are evolving, and I’m not going to b e the one that says I don’t think humanity is going a different way than intended, but I will say life is a whole lot different once you start looking at humans like another animal on a planet that supports life.

We’re not alloowed to see this currently.

Society has done a very nice job and maintainingh a slower evolution, and guided us into a man-made way of life. Mostly controlable.

The greatest invention of all time is church.
the Worst invention of all time, was religeon.

Don’t get me started. I’m working on a whole religeion of my own, but it’s not even a cult yet.

More on that later.


Idea: Aha! If I do these blogs regularly, I may change that to BLOG TITLE. Tomnorows edition can be cvalled that.

End of part one.
A break. Caused by the slighytes of distractions and loss of excitment.
The monet in time where NEW becomes OLD
Current never counts.

See also: Theory of NOW

I shopuld redo that… maybe later.

Ok… We’re mid-way through a session. I’ll only continue if there is feedback. If I’m just a crazy rambling fool, and this is unreadble drivel… then …


Then I’ll still do it. I wish I could trust myself.

Ok… back to the big one. I believe, at least at this stage of my life and development, that I am a “reactor”.

Some people interact. I react.

I once comparred it to a vending machine, and although I thought it was a silly anaolgy, it made pefect sense to my friend, so I coninue to explain it thnis way.

When you meet me, I am normal. Happy, smart, charming.

When you walk away, I shut off.

I don’t do anything first. I don’t break the ice. I don’t say Hello.

If you make me react, I am amazing, but if you don’t – nothing gets done.

My life, has been created to suit this mental roadblock, only recenmtlky discovered and named. I work in a support industry, after finsiheding a loyal 15 years in computer retail through it’s birth. I am proud of my days as assistant manager of one of Toronto’s most famous Commodore shops.

I currently earn my income, 100% based on reacting. People call me, and I solve their issues or answer their questions, or book a personal visit.

I also own a hosting company, and I don’t want to share with you how easy that is.

But I am proud that my mini empire is built on my own personality and philoso[hy of NO EVIL for my customers. Each is a friend, or a friend of a frioend.

I am proud of who I am. I’m a middle of the road, so the right thing kind of guy. I break a few laws on the hiway now and then, but otherwise, I am almost Christian safe in my normalcy.

I only recently identified that about me. I looked in my closet one day and a lightbulb came on… energy saving, so I had to wait an extra second, but it suddenly occured to me; I wear non offencive clothes. They say nothing about who I am. They’re neithral.

I am afraid to buy a hawian shirt, or almost any pattern.

That was big.

I get those kind of revalations now and then, mid conversatyioon.

A similar flow of excitement flushed my brain when I discvered the thoeryu of REACTIONISM.

It’s not uncommon, and if we look at the world, we probably can spot as many as half the world is filled with people, whether they know it or not, that “turn on” only when they’re reacting, and if nobody is saying HI, they’re life can succeed.

I was lucky in many ways. Almost everything that has ever happened to me, has happened to me. I have lost the ability to make dicsions and get things done on my own, like a leg needs to be retrained after a cast removal.

That sentence didn’t come out right, but at least for now, I believe I am more interesting if I do not edit my work. The whole point is, that it’s one semi-continuous stream of what I think… as I thin k it.

It will be spell checked, unless fan requests the REAL original. I type reasonably well, and spell far better than I did as a youth, but it’s still not perfect, and I can’t afford to edit or correct because I’ll lose the moment.

I often lose the mpment. The instant NEW becomes old and loses the umph.

I have a term for it, but I’m not readfy to share it yet. I want to register domains and companies sometimes before I give them away.

I’m not against giving things away. You are free to use any T SHIRT slogan you see listed here, but we’d love a photo opr a link back in trade.

My ultimate goal in life, is to create income potential for people who don’t want to work. You may call them artists, or freeloaders, or potheads, but I bleieve that certain brain types are not suited for jobs… and that isn’t thjeir fault.

I am not saying that all unemployed people are bums, or that anyone should be called a bum. I’ve just spent a lot of time with people who live without work, and hope to never have to change that.

My ex-mate was like that, and I loved her. I loved her life, and lived in it for many years.

End of Part 2.

To be honest, I didn’t actually break the first time. I was away from the keys less than 5 econds before typing more. My usual attention span for a ramble is far less than this, but today had the added excitement that when I am done, I can press SAVE and it will be to late.

The poitential to be seen and read is there, and you can never take it back.

A bit over dramatic for a blog that nopbody knows about, but the point is – it is an uncontrlable universe. We can’t predict what will be the next AYBABTU (All your BAse are Belong to us) or Star Wars Kid.

When they only have a paragraph to dedicate to the first two decased of computers, ot’ll be interesting to nsee what makes the cut. William Hung might, and that’s facsinating.

I am afraid of that kind of fame, because I am a reactionist with an obcession for how I am perceived, and

Well.. lets just suffice to say, I am terrified of not having a handler.

Best friends are not the same at 43 as they are at 18. They might drive you to the airport or help you move, but they can’t replace a mate.

Aside: As of 2006, gay marriage is still in the news, In 10 years or so, when it’s just the waY it is, I wonder if the other non-gay same sex or co-ed co-habitators willd demand rights.

I am for the room mate lifestyle.

I have a theory in fact, that there may be more males pretending to be gay,m than we think. I do not deny that homsexuality exists, and is all part of the concpt of life, and brain types fitting a puzzle.

But if you’re not gay, the idea of living with a man as your life parthner is actually quite attractive to people who are content with separtating sex from love.

I have seen in the world, that sex partners are not always the best life partners.

I never reallky got into sex. Even today, I’ll admit to only haveing had one partner, and nearly zero experience. I’m not sure how much of that part of my crazy I’ll share.


You show me your crazy
I’ll show you mine

I’m a believer in being up front with my crazy.

I want people to know that A.D.D is a legitimate excuse for some of my behaviorla flaws.

It conveniently gets me out of things, but for the right reaons.

I was told that I am excempt from Jury duty if I have A.D.D and I can understand why. When people talk nfor more gthan 30 seconds without pause, I start wandering.

Its something else I have mastered dealing with, and I just interup and ask recap style questions as needed.

I does however, mean I wasn’t so great in school.

I had a philosohpy; If I understand something, I don’t need to remember it. I’ll understand it next time.

I didn’t know of ADD in school. I just knew that I was exclelent in class, when the teaching was live and interactive, but reading was nearly impossible, and procrastination and fear kept all my assignemnsts till the last minute plus a day, or not at all.

It was later in life that I realized, in hindsite that I wasn’t really getting 55 in all my classes. I was really failing, and being let through.

I was learning the essentials. I know the names of clouds, and the types of hills glaciers leave.

I mastered enough knowldge to fit in, wth preset stories and anicodtes.

Now, like Shaharizod, I leave you with an unfinished story. My head is saved another day. I’d be interested in comments, as these will forcve me to react.

End of Part 1.5