JeffGoebel.com -Personal Blog

Rooster Wars

Rooster Wars

I decided not to call it cock fighting. This is the saga of the summer of 2022 when a mean egotistical rooster was added to our mini farm and I have been tasked with feeding it.

Rain Rules

Rain Rules

The chickens don’t want to get wet so when it starts to rain instead of going back to the coop they come up to the house and hang out on the porch under a roof.

Likewise, I’m not a big fan of getting wet, so today I made up rain rules which indicate it’s okay to feed them right in front of the door instead of forcing them into the rain to eat moist food. They don’t like that and most likely the other animals we don’t want to encourage, will happily take the leftovers.

This is the lunch crowd and there are still weak hens in the chicken coop that I will have to bring a special plate to a little later but for now, lunch feeding took only a few seconds.

As a secondary addition to this story, I experienced the leaky roof for the first time. It’s scared the shit out of me while I was just standing ready to feed the animals and a drip of water hit me I would have nowhere. Nowhere being, the roof. A place where one would not normally expect a drop of water to appear from.

Do Rooster carry rabies?

Do Rooster carry rabies?

I know they don’t. Probably. It was a brief fantasy about finding a reason to get rid of the rooster and win the war once and forever. Another attack from the front line happened this morning. I also witnessed the rooster being a bit of a bastard. Not doing his rooster duties right away.

At 7:30, I came downstairs and prepared some hen feed but the rooster can also eat. He stood proudly right outside the exit to the house with his main hens at his side.

He crows ”FEED US NOW!” As of I can understand. I suppose I can. It’s not as bright out at 730 anymore but he wants to make sure I remember him.

He won’t move out of my path for a while. The other two hens quickly figure out what’s going on and move out of my way but he stays there, pecking at the concrete porch steps as if he’s looking for scraps that we both know aren’t there.

Eventually I tire of the game, and make my way around the side delicately all the while holding my defensive stick between him and I. I mixed my way towards the main feeding ground nearby and he and the other two hens follow.

This area has a big water container for drinking and two metal dishes ideal for the two types of feed I bring out several times a day. I fill the first one with the pellets and the three of them begin to eat.

I am about to go fill the second dish with the less nutritional but more tasty chicken scratch feed. Before I do the rooster stands on an edge of the plate and it flips up in the air. If the timing were different by a few seconds, they would be chicken scratch flying everywhere.

As the dish settled I reached in to add the feed and bam. He came at my hand and bit me. I’ve become quite fast around this rooster so it wasn’t a major attack but it did break skin and left a red mark. One point award to the rooster.

I mentioned that I witnessed him being a bit of a bastard this morning. That wasn’t it. What I saw was a rooster that is two main hens, or quiet henchman we call them, work quite content to eat more than half the food between the three of them without him calling his morning breakfast cockadoodledoo.

His main job is to look after the hands although he definitely doesn’t care about the three weak ones that were here before he arrived. It’s just as clear that among the rest he has favorites. This morning I witnessed them pig out at the buffet before telling anyone else about it.

I think that’s mean and if we voted to the main rooster was, I find one to run against him because everyone deserves to know when the food arrives.

I took a special plate with a mixture of pellets and chicken feed back on its own plate into the coop for the rest of them to eat. They didn’t get much time of course before the rooster had to come see what I was doing and eat a portion of their food as well.

Bastard.

And so it continues..

And so it continues..

I was almost at the steps to the house when I turned my back and the rooster. It’s usually a safe spot especially since the food is a long way away. I think you may be mad because I didn’t bring out a fifth portion for him which for a while I was doing,

 

It’s so hard to predict the evening schedule because sometimes they’re already in the coop. Today, the pig was out looking for his food and they came running expect me to have some for them. I have learned they love the tree to a little bit of stale bread. I know I’m not supposed to feed that to seagulls but haven’t read the same about chickens so I toss some bread and they go wild for it.

 

Of course it takes hands to do that and I’m walking with my defensive stick and a heavy pot of food towards the pig at a faster than normal pace because he’s already out and on his way back to the coop. They get some crumbs and devour them quickly and then they follow me everywhere.

 

Even the rooster is close behind and I’m aware of him but he’s never come for a swing on the main porch area when I’m almost in the house.

 

It was shot down quickly and if I hadn’t see it I wouldn’t have known it happened but if it hadn’t gone a different way, he would have had a successful attack on me or my ankles. I really thought we were passed that stage but perhaps this one was slightly different. He really wanted more food.

 

I don’t feel like appeasing him because of I give them too much then the boss comes home and sees food out I get a lecture for using too much and the other animals eat up his money. I know they won’t starve. Have you seen the size of that rooster?

 

I’m told people don’t eat boosters because they’re not bread as food like the hens are so they’re genetics are less tender and not as much meat in certain areas but his breasts sure look big and every now and then when he’s pissing me off I think to myself how nice it might be to have some of that on a plate with them potatoes and corn, and maybe some apple pie at the end.

 

I’m sure he’ll be on this farm longer than I am. I just hope my reason for not being here isn’t because of him. That would suck, because who would blog about it?

Afternoon Feeding conflicts

Afternoon Feeding conflicts

I placed the majority portion of food in the elevated area near the door. Because, it had rained earlier, I had to reach to grab the main dish, flip it over and let the water out as everyone came running, eager for their dinner portions.

 

I set my defence stick down and fed them. As I turned around, forgetting the stick the rooster lunged. It was unexpected and without reason. Except to let me know I can’t let my guard down. This time the dogs were with me and one particularlyq keen to protect and impress me had his throat around the rooster within seconds.

 

Luckily, he responded to my loud and form NO and the incident passed. They continued with their meal as I sat to write this blog.

 

If you don’t have a weapon, have a dog

 

The rooster didn’t make contact but it was close. I am happy the ground was flat and stable in this area so being startled and attacked there didn’t end with a fall.

He still needs to feel protective of his hens in front of them. He stands tall, flapping his giant wings as he cried out for another 15 minutes or so.

I was a bit early

I was a bit early

Actually, I’m on schedule but the three remaining birds that are last to go back to the coop in the evening are still out. The rooster and his two first officers.

So I sit up at the front seeing if they go inside in the next short while. You don’t seem to have noticed me yet even though the door to the house makes them really loud slamming sound that I continuously forget to prepare myself for. It’s been doing it for 2 years but that’s just the way my brain works only remind that it when it does it again.

It’s with the last day of slop for the pig and I was a little short so I went overboard. I added all the slop but also added a bunch of treats including three almost fresh bananas which appear to be his favorite. If yesterday feeding is anything to go by, It’s the strong smell I need to coax him out and to the feeding ground..

Yesterday was actually quite a delight. I walk into the chicken coop and all the chickens and rooster are up in their perch. I put the pot underneath the pigs nose and the fun begins. He comes alive, snorting like a wild bore. I hardly had coax him all and before I knew it, he was chomping eagerly.

If tonight is even remotely similar it’s definitely the banana that makes the difference. Tonight’s delicacy also includes a variety of sugary cereal which it probably shouldn’t but, hey, it’s a pig.

… Shit. Tonight’s meal is definitely a concoction by me and I thought I heard the real farm owner coming in and an hour early. No doubt he would have a lot to say about this meal. Luckily it wasn’t him and the rooster is out of my immediate path trying to try and sneak my way too pig without getting attacked by the rooster.

He and I have kept there just himself for the past few weeks but he does love to be in my way at the door because he knows there’s not much I can do so I just wait.

Whenever I try and do something sneaky, I get justified my paranoid because it’s the kind of thing I can get in trouble for, and I don’t like getting in trouble. When I’m worried, I’ve become even more clumsy than my usual self. I almost fell, and I knocked a painting off the wall.

According the the most recent rules, I should have the dogs with me to help keep the rooster just out of way untill the pig starts eating bit they were just out for 45 minutes at 430 and sometimes they just don’t feel like making the journey down the stairs and outside with me during this 620 break because master comes home around 7 anyway

If he comes home early. That’ll be another lecture. In this case, if the fucking bird is smart and still outside the door waiting, then I’ll probably go fetch them and my escorts, bit they never really stay with me, and detentions rise between the rooster and I, there is a very real potential one of the dogs will go at it to show I’m protected.

In truth I see no evidence of that. If it was their master they love to show off because there’s two of them and they compete for his attention and pride but for me they’re pretty tame dogs. I never really have a problem.

In fact over the last few days they’ve been showing me I’m not in control. They delay coming inside or coming outside as long as they can just to make it clear they’re not following my arms they’re doing it because they want to.

Animals can be smart but they don’t think we are.


It appears he’s going to wait me out lingering in my path to the coop and the pig. I will have to take my defence stick and make my way, but that leaves the rooster behind me in a better position. It’s hard to keep him on my sites at all times while holding a pot of food that is quite heavy.

I should have brought the dogs.

High anxiety. High potential for me to fall and spill slot over me nowhere near where the pig could find it.

I would cross my fingers but navigating with the stick and the good is already hard enough.


As I walked to where the pig eats. He was already out and walking around wondering why his meal wasn’t there. That made it easy.

Sometimes you see animals do something and you don’t know whether it’s on purpose but you wish it was because it’s just so precious. I doubt the pig is capable of high level passive aggressive thinking but I just witnessed it showing its dominance over the rooster. Although it’s clear this is pig food, the rooster and his two lieutenants start eating right away. The feeding dish is unusually close to a bit of a wall. The rooster is right in the path of where the pig is entering to eat.

It shuffles into position but not without edging the rooster into the wall where it is trapped for a moment. It escaped by flying up but it has nowhere to go. It’s a big pig.

This tiny bit of drama made me smile a huge grin and I intentionally stayed behind a few extra minutes blocking the rooster from exiting my way while his other four sides were blocked by furniture and a pig. He didn’t get to eat as the pig continues to jump away at the delicious but probably not healthy meal.

Although I can’t confirm it tonight it does seem clear that the smell of not quite fresh bananas need one that reaches farther than any other smell and he loves the taste.

I arrive back in my bedroom by 7:00 p.m.

I may or may not interact with him when he gets home. I don’t go out my way, or in fact, out of this room voluntarily to avoid the possible mansplaining lecture that might be otherwise ignored or at least postponed untill the weekend.

End of farm report for Tuesday

Update. He arrived home at 7:08

War Stories

War Stories

Since I don’t have children, it follows that I don’t have grandchildren so I won’t sit around when I’m old telling my war stories to anyone who will listen. That’s what blogs are for. No one has to listen, and in fact no one is really reading this continuing saga but if I continue to journalize the war between the rooster and I.

Last week I decided it would be smart to create a second blog that doesn’t have all the private and personal life struggles content and then I could share it with a wider audience and perhaps get some feedback from chicken lovers or fellow rooster haters. I doubt very much there are any rooster lovers.

It has been reasonably peaceful the last week. The chickens have not been in front of the door, but even if they are, I learned the secret is to leave the house with the dogs. They are dispersed units and quite handy.

It’s 12:15, which is their second feeding of the day. I come out and they’re not usually walking around at this point so I get to deposit food in at least two locations before they come running.

The running of the hens is quite humorous and I’d like to film it except that I have to be very cautious about where the rooster is and whether it’s okay with him that I’m videotaping his harem of hens.

Not that that would really make any difference but it does change the way I move outside. I’m always cautious, and aware and really part of summer should be enjoying the weather and just sitting and watching the animals and the dogs but all enjoyment of outside has been ruined by the rooster.

Even now as I sit outside next to the porch he’s come to investigate and he does that fake pecking and I don’t have a defense so I have to leave and go running. It’s sad to be do stressed by a stupid farm animal bit it’s better than being eaten I suspect.

It was crowing like crazy until I turned on the camera. Now it’s silent and eating. I’d love to give it credit for being this annoying on purpose but I suspect it’s just its nature. In some ways, the rooster is limited to one type of speech or whatever birds call speech. The heads gather and chat like crazy and all the rooster can do is cock-a-doodle-doo loudly and often and generally not directed at anyone or for any reason except to say hey women I brought you food. I doubt he’d ever give me credit.

My Nemesis… The Rooster.

My Nemesis… The Rooster.

I forget his name, but I don’t remember anything from my past I wanted to kill more. I dream about the ways.

Roosters are kind of useless most of the time. This one is all up in your space, and if I’m not careful, he’ll make my ankles bleed. I want to kick him like a football and never see him again… But I can’t.

To be fair., I’ve never really kicked a ball with much success.

Same accident. Different door

Same accident. Different door

So as of 8:14 a.m. on Tuesday August 2nd I am possibly missing a cat, or not one may have escaped outside which is really bad for at least one or two of the cats and reasonably bad for the third.

If it’s the bad cat and I don’t mean bad cat I mean if it’s the cat that shouldn’t be allowed outside I could be in big trouble both in general for losing a cat and possibly having that cat not return. That sucks so bad cuz it’s going to stress me until I find the cat.

The problem is this cat is the stealthy one It could be a week before I see it even if it’s indoors.

I hate screwing up but I seem to do it every time. I mean this was an easy day feed the animals almost got killed by a chicken and maybe lost a cat all things considered a bad first day.

….

As of 10:00 a.m. it was pre-connect too much so I decided to spend some actual effort and try and find the cat and indeed it is outside it’s still in the yard and hidden away but the fucking rooster is always nearby which means I have to look at it the whole time and that means I end up falling or possibly worse.

I hate it so much. So I carry a tool now but to be honest I’m not entirely sure what that tool is except something to show between me and the rooster. Since the other chickens aren’t up in the same area it doesn’t seem as eager to defend anything. It just likes to keep an eye on me and cockadoodledoo and let me know it’s watching. It’s got the old rooster eye locked in on me.

Edit: Cat located and he came in on his own. I don’t think I have to tell anyone about losing it.

The cat and the cock

The cat and the cock

Rough start to the day. My first official work day where I am in charge of the animals morning afternoon and evening and potentially already lost a cat.

It’s freaking me out. I did everything fine but you know how easy it is for me to get distracted and I didn’t fully close the door. Still means a cat would have had to get by me and jump quite high to the second window of the door to get out but apparently it’s happened before so now I have to spend my day trying to find if it’s in the kitchen or if it’s outside or if it’s gone and that’s the worst case scenario because he’s not going to get home till quite late and the last thing he wants to do is hear the there’s a cat outside.

So day one of one of the easiest jobs ever and I still figure out a way to screw it up. Twice I let the cats in the living room too but that was easy there used to getting caught and go back into the kitchen.

He hasn’t trained his cats to come to that cat treat sound. The one that’s missing is the stealth one that sometimes I don’t see for a while. In fact up until Sunday I was sure there were only two cats in the kitchen and that one may be died while I was away but I didn’t want to ask. Then on Sunday bam three cats yesterday three cats. Today two cats

Anyway I’m trying to be very productive this week since I wake up in the morning I’m not going back to bed and I’m trying to get things done. I’ve got a nice little list that’s all possible. I have till the end of August at least, and less he hates the job so much he quits..

I honestly don’t know how he handles it. He leaves the house by 5:00 a.m. doesn’t come home till who knows when but I’m guessing around 10:00 p.m. and the drive is 2 hours.

My biggest fear is that he’s speeding so much in his super sports car but just for that reason, that he could very easily lose his license and have his car impounded. To say that it won’t happen when he does this 5 days a week for the rest of the summer is a luck beyond absurd. Because of I’m a police officer and I see his car today but I don’t get it I know he’s coming tomorrow and the next day too.

Confirmed. The cat is out in the yard hiding from the rooster as am I. Not sure how to get it out without being injured by either party. The fucking rooster has its eye on me all the time crowing away even when the other hands are nowhere near. He’s like the mafia boss that doesn’t quite understand we’re not all against him

So I have a 15 minute break and then less than 2 minutes to go to where the cat is and talk to it and try and get it to come out of the underground before the rooster shows up. I have a tool to show the rooster I mean business but I’m not sure. I think it’s faster than me anyway.

10:16am. Cat was happy to come inside of his own free will. My guess is he enjoyed his adventure, but probably also hates that fucking rooster

Day two. It doesn’t get easier..

Day two. It doesn’t get easier..

Doing pretty much the same thing every day doesn’t necessarily get easier. For someone with attention deficit disorder it can actually get more difficult because each day it becomes less interesting and the temptation to be creative and look for ways to make it fun can actually distract and make more mistakes happen.

On top of that, waking up every morning gets more tedious, not less. Now I’m only saying that on day two because I’m tired and I want to sleep and that’s more of a health issue currently. Once I can get back into sleeping things may be different.

So it’s day two and I’m about to get up and go feed the chickens. The rooster and I had a bit of a fight yesterday. We stood off like sparring boxers for a few minutes staring at each other and he didn’t know what to do so I walked away facing him. Our relationship may evolve over the next month. It will be interesting to see.

Animals can make me angry, and I don’t like to be angry. Rage builds up inside me. It’s such a weird experience.

……

I placed two different feeds types strategically in two areas that allowed for me to miss direct contact with the rooster. He was fine without needless conflict too it seems.

I’m back in my bedroom now remembering two important tasks that should have been part of the morning routine. That sucks. I should get back up and do them. Instead, I convince myself morning timing isn’t as important as it probably is.

Essentially, a morning routine fail. Something to improve upon as the week progresses I suppose. I should know by now that checking my notes is probably the most important step in my daily routine these days.

8:48am

I tried to sleep and I’m not 100% certain whether I did or not. Laying still thinking about sleep can be tricky. I may have floated between works briefly but it wasn’t the rich two hours I’d hoped for. Now I’m just in an unmotivated limbo not excited about starting any of the other tasks l have personally added to my goals. I just really want to sleep.

I think what this means most importantly, is that I should probably take the day to pay attention to the core problem of why my dehydrated body is not accepting water the way it should and why I’m peeing every hour. It’s a personal health issue that should have been resolved weeks ago but I am the king of should. I know what needs to be done but that means nothing in the grand scheme of getting things done.

This summer job was to help me change that but it’s slow going. I can fall into the routine of doing nothing just as easily. It’s only day two and that’s clear.

So my main goals for today is to call that mental health mine and get to the pharmacy for some new constipation medicine.

I wish I could say that those are easy tasks and they will be done. I want to say that. If I say that it doesn’t mean it will be done. I just have to try. I hate living alone without support and other people nagging me.

….

11:36. Today seems to be going super slow. I had forgotten to feed myself. All the animals got theirs but I forgot my own lunch. I ate very little these days partly because of the constipation and partly because I don’t leave my bed so a big diet isn’t necessary.

I spent a lot of time scrolling through Facebook shorts and it’s still not noon. Haven’t watched TV yet and I try to avoid that if I can until I get some work done. I’ll do some more invoicing and see what else. In my head I’m thinking about making that call and it scares me because I don’t know the future that it may cause to start.

I’ve always said doing things is harder than not doing things. Once I start to seek help, I’m going to actually have to do things and that’s not my forte.

..

I went out to give the chickens their afternoon meal and I got the various locations topped up before anybody noticed. I didn’t tell anybody so it will be a nice surprise for a scout chicken in the next few minutes. I hope.

I just this moment remembered why I’m supposed to tell announce their feedings. If they don’t notice the food soon the rats will eat it before they get a chance to.

Now comes the decision to stay in bed and continue my light computer work, or put on pants and go but the things I need.

I need the things I need.

Hmmm… Let me see what I can get delivered.

..

4pm. I feel more exhausted than I would normally be but I’m living on an Indian time with drug use, dehydration and the inability to take a decent crap, as well as only sleeping in hour long cycles.

I chicken out getting on the illegally unlicensed scooter because inside I’m still a perfect little child and I don’t do things like that if I can avoid them. Instead, I did walk to the corner hoping to buy an orange bong and 5.litrrs of Orange Crush. Neither was in stock so I felt disappointed walked home and now I’m back in bed sulking.

But I did get orange t-shirts so I really have to get back that because it’s been a very long time since I’ve done my video blogging wearing an orange shirt.

Final. I ordered laxatives from Walmart and they arrived just as I was getting ready to go feed the pig for my final task. I let the dogs out just as their master arrived home from the rear door. There was no surprise that he would take over and prepare the meal. Nothing for me to do for the rest of today so I can lay back, take two pills that will help soften my stools.

Tomorrow I will take the faster acting suppository and hope it helps. I’m also going to smoke some of my stronger weed with hopes to sleep longer than 1 hour.

If neither of these help, I think I may have to go to the hospital. I don’t want to, but I have avoided it a lot longer than I should have. I think I might have mentioned before, I’m not great at taking care of myself.

End. 7:23pm

Differences from yesterday’s Blog

Differences from yesterday’s Blog

It’s become clear that there is very little that is interesting about my tasks. Blogging everyday about feeding the chickens, avoiding the rooster, feeding the chickens again and letting the dogs out, and then going to feed the pig just as his owner comes home and takes over the job to do it right.

Today has been reasonably successful so far and that I haven’t made any mistakes, or lost any cats, or forgotten any of the tasks.

It’s 2:00 p.m. now I’m going to try and stay outside a little longer than usual if I can avoid the rooster. Chairs tend to be a hard thing to come by in this backyard. They’re there one day and the next day they’re somewhere else and there’s almost never a comfortable chair near the building to just sit in and relax but recently he has built a mini Oasis based on an old tub. It has a nice table near it and a little fountain and I think I’m going to sit there for a while and let the dogs be outside longer than just enough time to pee.

I may even consider taking a laptop and doing some work outside. Could be a different kind of motivation.

Today’s Stupid Mistake

Today’s Stupid Mistake

I kind of think I was always this way but I can’t be sure because of the way my memory works. I make stupid mistakes, I knock things over, and I don’t foresee the consequences of things I do before I do them.

Today’s example was quite unfortunate and I can’t get away with it I will definitely have to confess to it and that’s too bad.

As one of the tasks I do to feed the animals it’s to make a stew or goulash of food for the pig. I don’t actually make the food, but I make its final preparations where I mix the goulash with the pig pellets and bring it out to feed him around 7ish.

So I’ve got a pot ready and I put five big scoops of mixture of potatoes and cabbage and carrots and other various vegetables and fill up about 1/3 of the dish. I then go out to the other room and get four handfuls of pellets which is approximately equivalent to one of the containers I found and I bring it back out tonight dump it in with the goulash and it looks like a very small amount. It doesn’t look right.

Then I realize what I’ve done is I’ve put the pig food in the kitchen goulash and not the prepared dish for the pig. The goulash that has to last me at least another day or two is now contaminated with pig pellets that will dissolve and are difficult to calculate the quantity.

A stupid mistake. Not the end of the world, but another addition to the checklist of ways I feed the animals wrong in the eyes of their master. I hate making mistakes but I really hate making mistakes over and over.

At least most of the time I only make each mistake once but that still doesn’t really help in the grand scheme of things. I won’t say the food is ruined. He might. We’ll see. But for now I just have to wait till he comes home.

1 Point Rooster.

1 Point Rooster.

I’d fed them. I was posing no threat.i was almost inside the house but I showed my back to the Rooster and somehow it magically transported 40 feet and lunged.

It was so fast and startling I honestly don’t remember the details. It didn’t make contact as my telec3s toward this type of surprise must have improved over the last week.

He froze. I froze. He gives the evil single eye stare as I try and ask him why? This one seemed to have no purpose. All the hens were happily eating their feed in different areas of the yard all 40 feet away from me at least

It’s hard to let it happen. I can yell a bit thinking my anger will translate but knowing it won’t. It’s not a game, as much as it may seem so.

He is the alpha male and despite the fact I’ve been bringing the food for 4 days straight, I must still be an enemy threat. A 6 ft tall enemy threat that could easily kill this rooster if we actually got into a fight.

I refrain. I am reminded of the family guy cartoon where Peter Griffin and the giant chicken have a lifelong feud. This rooster and I stared each other the same way but we don’t run all over town destroying things.

Unfortunately the layout of the backyard is such that I can’t easily get from here to the chicken coop without passing the rooster. There are few paths that go the same way.

Mojo and Me

Mojo and Me

I learned the name of the rooster’s mojo but I prefer calling it the rooster anyway because calling it by its name implies some form of relationship. I suppose in a way we do have an adversarial relationship he wants to attack me and I want to avoid being attacked.

He doesn’t seem to get that I don’t attack him. I haven’t. I will defend myself when he lunges but I’ve never gone after him in any way which I believe shows incredible restraint on my partner.

There are two hens that were here when the rooster was brought home. Obviously this means they are outcasts and he began pecking at them and being generally mean. He even keeps them from eating if he can, so I try to feed them in a different location than the others but today I made the mistake of feeding the sickly chickens too close to the house door. They’re usually out earlier than the others looking around for food and they were right at the door when I opened it. I gave them a portion of the food and then moved down towards where I usually feed the chickens.

They began to eat healthy which is good. The rooster decided not to eat but rather just to stand in my way giving me the eye. I learned the reason he staring at me is because the second my gaze is not into his eyes, that’s his moment to lunge. This means no matter where I am on the property during this standoff. I must look at him.

In today’s case he was between me and the house. I stand and wait and he plays his little game where he walks around picking up pieces of leaf or rocks or whatever, presumably in an attempt to make it look like he’s not paying attention to me when clearly that’s all he’s doing.

I wait. When the opportunity arises, I make one step closer to the home and then wait again. Eventually he tries to draw closer and I talk to him a bit. At this point usually I had something in my hand like a stick or a piece of metal that I can keep between him and I and then slowly try and cross in front of him on my way to the home, but this morning all I have are empty food dishes.

I wait.

Eventually I do get on the other side of him and at one point he makes his move. Whoosh. It doesn’t make it all the way to me, and stops a little short because I’ve spotted him obviously and if he does come closer physical contact on my part will happen and I think he’s learned that much.

He moves around again and I realize that he’s not going to have any food to eat. The other chickens will have finished their plates by the time he gets around to going and looking for his portion. I laugh. This silly game is costing him a meal.

It’s difficult to get from the main area to the home without looking where I’m going but at this point he’s just far enough away that I can take quick glances take a step and return my gaze to him. I talked to him a bit more and then go in the house. I do believe he had some food to eat but not as much as he probably would have wanted.

Our next lunch. Comes in a few hours and I will position the dishes differently. I will also carry a big stick.

Today was a draw. He struck once and missed. No points awarded

Today’s Stupid Mistake

Best laid plans vs Chicken logic

When I can out the door for the afternoon feed, the weak chickens that linger in different circles are always first to detect me, and the waddle towards me. Over the past couple of days I’ve tried to death feed them their own portion before the rooster and his harem notice.

Today it backfired a bit. I put the first dish down and walked towards the main feeding area. I dumped the rest of the dinner rations there, but by then, all the hens and the rooster were eating the small portion I left by the door, once again bullying the weak 3 away.

Nobody noticed the plentiful buffet of pellets and feed sitting ignored on the main dining area. I did t want to go back there and starting calling out; dinner time. It’s over here hens! Come and get it before the other animals do.

They will eventually discover it. It’s too bad the rooster won’t give up his war with me. I now carry a metal platter as a shield. He has lunged toward it twice today with no contact. It’s getting tiresome to have an enemy with a Rooster brain. I’m not sure whether this will ever end. Despite that I’m obviously the one providing the food and have yet to approach any chicken in an ungentlemanly like way, he still feels the need to watch me wherever I am, and if at any time we lose eye to eye contact, I know he will be right at my ankles. Or at least the metal platter between my ankles and him.

Two attack attempts today. No points awarded

SmackDown Day

SmackDown Day

Today’s Rooster adventures were a little different. Due to some sleep issues I’m working out, I slept in and didn’t get downstairs till 745 instead of my usual 720/730ish

I used to start even earlier but decided the neighborhood probably benefitted from the extra 30 minutes of non rooster annoyance. I’m still shocked nobody in the surrounding area has not complained.

What this delay meant for me this morning, was that all the chickens were up on the porch in front of the door. I had to make them move in order to make my way to the feeding area nearest the door. It may be 15 ft or less but the rooster obviously did not want me to move it all, despite being the one that had the food.

I wasn’t going to be patient and wait 45 minutes moving and inch at a time so I gently whoosed some of the hens along. They seemed to take no issue as they are smart enough to realize I had the food and we both needed to get to the spot.

The Rooster however was not having it and we battled ferociously over and over. He would lunge and I would defend. I had found a beautiful walking stick with a V at the end that turned out to be a perfect defence against an attacking bird.

His ego was not effected and his will remained strong. With each lunch, I defended with a gentle block to his breast. He tried getting huge and swerving like a soccer player to get by, all the while screaming his only vocal call.

Eventually, after what I estimate was no less than 10 attack attempts, I was able to toss enough food in the dish to change the focus. It was breakfast time.

I fed the pellets to this area and then walked away. I filled another dish off to the side with the main feed and returned inside.

He crowed a victory doodle do. Perhaps it was a song of loss. They’re all identical irritation crowd to me.

Lunch went off with no tension at all. Perhaps this humiliating loss will change our future relationship, but I doubt it.

Rooster Friday

Rooster Friday

Not much to report him the human versus rooster wars today. Ever since our epic battle he seems to understand that I need to get to the food area to feed them and today he let me walk by him back towards the house.

He still feels a little uneasy eating if I’m in view and he keeps an eye on me but at no point to he appear threatening and he didn’t lunge towards me so perhaps life has improved.

I get two days off the feeding for the weekend. It will be nice. It’s too bad I can’t sit anywhere in the backyard but that’s a sacrifice I have to make to keep the rooster happy and for my personal enjoyment. It’s not nice to sit around and always have to be aware that there’s an animal that could attack you at any moment.

I hate that rooster.

SmackDown Day

Blockade

Today’s adventures with the rooster involve them hanging out by the door. I don’t like this. They want to be fed earlier and I’m already feeding them an hour earlier than I was last week.

Unfortunately today I just discovered that my defense of stick and both the feeding dishes that I used to scoop the feed are sitting on the table outside, not inside where they should be.

The rooster is between it and me. I don’t want to start forcibly moving them without my defensive stick. If the rooster were too attack me as I’m sure it was preparing, I would have no defense. I’m barefoot and not ready for that kind of potential injury. One good pack to the right vein on my ankle and it could be bad.

So I do the only thing I can think of. I put down two dishes of food right in front of the door and let them eat until they’re gone. The dogs are outside as well but my experience is that the chickens take less than half an hour to eat so I should be able to sneak out and get the dishes and my defensive stick back inside where they belong before the next feeding.

Unfortunately the dish I used was one that was convenient but not a very stable dish and when all the hens rushed towards it it’s spilled and their chicken feed is all over the steps. They seem content not to eat food off the concrete porch even though it’s the same food that would have been in the dish. It looks like they may go hungry instead.

In 20 minutes or so if they’ve moved away I may give them some additional food in a proper location after I have obtained my defensive stick. We’ll see how that goes.

It’s Friday and generally he does the weekend feeds because if I do them he’ll hover over me and do it all differently anyway. So I’m off till Monday it looks like.

I’m going to review the times and quantities with him this weekend and see that I’m not giving too much or too little.

So I avoided conflict by being a wuss but the hands got fed, the rooster feels confident he’s kept me away again. I just hope I haven’t built up a new habit that this is where they hang out everyday, but at least with my defensive stick I should be able to get by. I can also use the dogs to help but I didn’t think of it until they were already outside. I think they’re arrival in the wilderness of the backyard may have triggered the chickens to come to the door knowing the food was coming next.

Have I mentioned I hate that rooster.

1 Point Rooster.

More chicken shit to deal with.

So the rooster has figured out this none shall pass power that he has When he standing where I need to be and I can’t get by. We waited out As I inch and inch. Gaining ground until such time as I can squeeze past while maintaining eye contact at all times. He tries to lunge at me but I have my defensive y-shaped stick to hold him back. No contact was made today. He sees the stick and shrinks down from his gigantic attack formation back to a rooster.

Today even the pig didn’t want to get past him and that’s a problem. I go in call the pig to dinner wave the pot of food around so that he gets the scent and then usually he follows me to his dinner plate.

Today the rooster was in between the dinner plate and I and the pig. So the pig didn’t really know where to go because I was standing next to it and I was the smell of his food. Eventually I did get to the place where I slap the food into the pig tray and wait for it to arrive.

Unfortunately the rooster stayed there and the pig came out walked halfway wandered around and then went back inside to sleep. This is not good.

All the chickens gather round and eat the best parts of the pig slop. That pig eats well It’s like a cordon bleu stew every night. Fresh potatoes cabbage corn and some pig food. It eats better than me. But tonight the chickens were eating it and that’s not fair.

Unfortunately the rooster was there too and I didn’t really want to get into another fight so I waited 10 minutes later. The rooster had moved just far enough away that I swooped in picked up what it was left of the pig slop which wasn’t very much compared to what it started with, and took it into the coop so that the pig could enjoy the rest without having to come outside and battle that fucking rooster.

Then of course when I came out, I had to get past the rooster again to come in the house. I thought about the Monty Python scene where I cut off his arms and legs and he still there cawing that singular annoying doodle do.

Let me say, the stick helps. Without it who knows how long I would be there and with anything other than this stick he could probably still attack past me but he has become aware of the stick and not necessarily in fear of it, but he is certainly aware of the consequences of its touch.

So I came inside. The pig is eating. The rooster is outside roostering around before he goes inside the the coop for the night. I’m off tomorrow and Sunday so I get to live stress free without rooster nightmares for 2 days..

Hopefully if I’m lucky, I’ll sleep more than 1 hour at a time which is been the norm for the last couple of weeks. It’s the weekend so maybe I’ll actually get to see a doctor. I wish I didn’t think about it as a possibility, but as an assurety.

Monday morning dog surprise

Monday morning dog surprise

Today was a special Monday, or at least it is supposed to be. It is the day I planned to finally throw out the secret garbage I’ve been keeping in my room for far too long.

I call it secret garbage because I wouldn’t want to throw it out using the normal procedure because that is subject to inspection, scrutiny, and sometimes a lecture. The garbage I have been saving secretly under a pile of dirty clothes with their own special scent would not pass inspection and may in fact have caused anger and a lecture if not expulsion.

I always consider the worst as a possibility because you’ll just never know which direction spontaneous uncontrolled anger will take. It’s like a cut electricity wire dancing in the street. Will it go this way, will it go that way, will it kick me out of my house. His house.

I gathered the various hidden stashes and put them all into one big plastic garbage bag as quickly as I could because it stank enough to have its own adjective created.

When I was ready to take it out to the curb at 6:15am I was surprised by the appearance of the two dogs in the open area upstairs. His door was open.

I have no idea whether this was intentional and perhaps a new idea he’s working on or whether the dogs have figured out how to open his door on their own. In either case, the point was the dogs are awake 90 minutes ahead of their scheduled morning. They want to go out. It’s only been an hour or so since they were up with their master for their early morning goodbye. The routine is they stay in bed quiet and not involving my attention and till around 7:00 a.m. when I wake up and begin the morning breakfast preparations for the chickens.

I can’t let them out now. The last thing I want is to wake the chickens at 6:30 in the morning because that means the rooster will start making that sound. The sound no one wants to hear at 6:30 in the morning. The sound that repeats over and over for 20 to 30 minutes despite the fact that all the hens are already around him eating their food and there’s no one and no reason to continue the noise but it’s a rooster, and one of its prime jobs is irritating the neighborhood and myself.

So I chose to ignore the dogs. It’s not like they really need to go to the bathroom one hour after they’ve just been let in. I go back in my room and close the door and they do whatever they’re doing outside my attention.

I decided not to force them back into the bedroom. I will after we have our official morning break at around 7:20.

It was mostly the surprise that caught me off guard. Ironically when I’m on a stealth mission to get the extremely smelly garbage out to the curb. For a moment I thought, what if he hasn’t left yet and he’s in the bedroom. Luckily that wasn’t the case.

6:30 a.m. now and the garbage has been taken out. I look around the room and think of the things that I could add to the garbage but since this mission went off so easily, I realize I can do it every other week. I can add my garbage to the collective and nobody needs to know.

The secret stealth part was just in my mind to make an otherwise dull story a little bit more interesting in my head. Had he actually been home and still in his bedroom, it would have been a different story. Throwing out extremely smelly garbage that contains rotting food that should have been disposed of instantly is bad enough. Trying to sneak it out would definitely be because for a rather loud lecture. They happen far less often as I approach my 2-year residency here but some things even I know across the line.

It’s done. It’s over. I can now continue on my very slow quest to tidy my room a little more.

Jeff Goebel