(A silly play about live improve, for 5 players. Two players come out onto a blank stage in casual wear. Any background is acceptable.)
A: Hello Cleveland! We are Robin and Chris and we are the opaque players. At this time Wed like to take a few suggestions from the audience, so that we can come up with some unscripted improv sketch comedy for you all tonight.
B: yeah yeah yeah… It’s kind of like live action Mad Lib’s.
A: What? What the heck is Mad Libs?
A: Why would you need to say that? Everybody knows how improve works. Nobody knows what Mad Libs is. If you’re going to use an analogy it shouldn’t be more obscure than what’s it’s being used to describe. That’s just stupid.
B: That’s mean. Don’t call me stupid. In improving, there are no wrong lines.
A: That’s stupid too. Improv is frequently bad. Horrid! Some people are just bad at it. They play a game of Mad Libs and suddenly they think that they’re Colin Mochrie all of a sudden. Hell, I’ve seen Colin Mochrie do bad improve.
B: Nobody knows who that is.
A: Well, I bet more people in the audience know my reference than yours. They did actually decide to come to a comedy improv show after all. If they’re Canadian, they probably know him. Canada only have 27 celebrities.
B: I disagree. Mad Libs is a best selling party game.
A: First off, I don’t think we needed a simile to begin with. We came out and basically said what we are here to do. We take suggestions and turn them into skits, live without scripts or rehearsals.
B: Right — like mad Libs.
A: Shut up
B: Just curious. Who here has heard of Mad Libs, show of hands?
And who has held if Colin Mochrie? Show of hands.
(neither actor gives reaction either way)
A: So – Moving on. We’d like a suggestion for a place ok I heard the back studio of a movie lot where there filming a buddy cop movie. (no timing break)
B: And I’d like a suggestion for an occupation? (pause) ok… I heard Amateur Taxidermist.
A: Ok now I need a colour… Kelly Green… Good one!
B: And an opening line?
A: (Pointing to audience) “But I can’t afford a taxi my mother needs a new kidney.”
Ok that’s good.
B: I now present you with our play; “good cop, cancer cop”. The set is the backdrop behind a movie studio. Kelly and Francis are buddy cops.
(A third man comes out from behind the curtain)
C: … but I can’t afford a taxi. My mother needs a new kidney.
B: ok fine. Here ya go. (He gives the man some cash, and C walks off)
A: What was that about?
B: Nothing. Nevermind. Now, about this case…
A: yeah yeah yeah… The Kelly green killer. We almost had her but –
D: (person stands up from audience.) Stop! Just stop.
A: you can’t do that!
B: remember. There are no wrong lines in improv.
A&d: shut up
A: There are rules. Improv rules. I’m pretty sure it’s a show, not a free for all. It’s not audience participation. You can’t join in from the audience.
B: I bet you’d let Colin Mochrie join in, if he was in the audience.
A: Honestly. You drive me crazy. I don’t know why I ever married to you.
B: Ha! for immigration you keep telling me.
(moment if silence) a&b: (awkward look, then, with fanfare and flourush) Improv!
A: …anyway, the audience cut participate. Sorry sir.
D: …and… cut! (A&B look confused)
B: What just happened?
D: I am Jules. The director of this cop movie. I yelled cut. Go back to the beginning. This time, do it with funny accents.
A: You see, there is bad improv.
D: ok. From the top.
B: But we can’t. It’s improv. We don’t have a script.
D: Are you telling me you don’t remember what you did 2 minutes ago. I believe your opening line was; nothing, Nevermind.
C: (comes out again, but dressed in a costume. He says his line in a funny accent) … but I can’t afford a taxi. My mother needs a new kidney.
D: cut. No, no, no… Do it again, but like it’s a romantic comedy. Action.
B: You’re missing the point, improv isn’t supposed to be repeatable. It’s like a magic trick. You only perform it once.
A: Still a horrible analogy, but closer.
B: shut up.
B: We can’t do it over and over and just change the accents or styles.
A: Colin Mochrie does it all the time. It’s the directors bit.
E: (a loud voice from the back of theatre) Cut! I think you’re losing the audience. It’s to confusing. They don’t believe any of it. The suggestions were so stupid it’s obvious to anyone they were prearranged. You’re out here acting from scripts. It’s not working.
D: we could try it in funny accents…
C: shut up, in same funny accent.
A: who the hell are you?
B: maybe it’s Colin Mochrie, come from the audience to reprise his finest role.
E: I am the director of this show.
B: (makes a mind blown gesture with hands.)
D: What wall are we breaking now?
E: Get off the stage.
E: get off the stage… The show is about to start.
B: ok fine. Be that way.
(Everyone returns to seats in the audience)
A: Sorry about that everyone. I don’t know who these people are. The real show will begin in a moment.
Announcer announces the actual show. Sponsored by Mad Libs. The improv home game for people who are not creative.