Sometimes I amaze myself with what I’m willing to do to appease others. In this case, it’s as much appeasing myself I suppose. I’m mixing up emotions in my head.

This week I happened to acquire $100 in cash. This is money that rightfully should be dedicated to paying down my overdraft and covering bills. More specifically, this money was given to pay half of my monthly car insurance bill. It’s not usually paid in cash and I transfer it to that debt.

However, I rarely have cash in my pocket and my first instinct was to request drugs. There is no holiday coming up. No birthdays or special events. I don’t even really feel a craving, and yet. I obligated myself to a new dealer.

I should not have, but I did, and even though I thought about cancelling the request multiple times during this week, I did not. I want to be a good customer to a person who almost certainly wouldn’t care. My need to do the right thing goes wasted here, everywhere except inside my head.

I am on a bus now, to pay a woman I’ve only met once to buy drugs I will almost certainly regret taking within minutes of doing so. I will hand her $100 and return home on transit right away.

My plan is to wait at least until tomorrow after 3 to take them, and this spending will result in me not having enough money to eat any food this weekend unless I can get somebody else to pay.

I am poorer than I remember being ever before. I suspect the high will be affected by my hunger and poverty and perhaps even applied with guilt. I know this in advance, but it will not stop me and make me turn around.

I have no phone. It’s been disconnected. My rent is covered but all other expenses will bounce this month while waiting for a 2000 dollar cheque which is a month away. At this point. It will barely bring me above zero for the loop to repeat.

I have joined a community of drug users in a chat room and risen to moderator status. Where my stories and humour are welcome. I’ve made friends. It’s probably not the best choice, but it’s a group I understand. It is this community that first inspired me to buy. I want new experiences to share. I use it as an excuse for my addition actions but to some extent, it’s also a truth. If I cancel, it will be public. A bad score.

Oh well. With each new high, I am a new person. Updated by my actions and experiences on my life journey since the last binge. I strive to use these experiences and make each high somewhat productive, if not in this universe than in the alternate one where I exist as Orange Jeff, my stoner alter ego in the Second Life universe.

This is my stop. To be continued.